i found this in my documents; the first is from february of 09 and the second from jan of this year. let’s see now…
1. I like to pretend that I can sing and dance, and I strip in the bathroom. Sorta. still true
2. The day I turn 18, I’m getting both of my wrists tattooed: on the right, a wolf that says “speak.” On my left, a deer with twisted antlers that says “listen.” These have really symbolic meaning to me, and I can’t wait until I can wear them. I’m also piercing my lip, so ha. hmm…waiting till graduation probably for the tattoos, though they’re still the same. no longer piercing lip, piercing nose.
3. I never fall out of love. Once you’re in my heart, you’re stuck there, so never think I don’t love you if I’ve told you I do. true.
4. I’ve always wanted to be a vet, and I love animals. But after volunteering in a veterinarian’s clinic for a while, I no longer want my own practice. I’d love to work with the ASPCA though, even if i would be so heart-wrenching. true.
5. On that note, I don’t want to go to college. I’d rather be a starving artist. true. though i’m on my way to chapel hill…i think i’ll like it there.
6. I make lists like my life depends on it. Even on my computer, my desktop is full of stickie notes that probably have no real relevance. now i have a book. legitimately.
7. I like to steal. true.
8. I think I’m incapable of “living in the present”. Everything I do, I always either regret it or I psycho-analyze the outcome beforehand to make sure it’ll turn out the way I want it to. Even my “spontaneity” is pre-calculated and criticized. still somewhat true, but thanks to certain people i’ve gotten much better at it. this summer was all of that.
9. On that note, sometimes I can’t fall asleep at night because I’m thinking about everything I should’ve done today and how I’ll have to do it tomorrow, because you only live once. I don’t. i’ve stopped, mostly.
10. I think I’m really shy because I’m worried I’ll disappoint people, because I have unbelievably high expectations for everyone and most people don’t reach them. I make up my own versions of people in my head, and they do everything right. Then I go to have the same conversation with them and it’s often much, much different. true.
11. Sending out thank you cards is a waste of time; I’d rather thank you in person with a huge hug. I hate living far away from people. true.
12. One day, I’m getting out of the United States. I need to, if only for a few years. true.true.true.
13. I hate talking on the phone; I always think the person on the other end is bored of me, or not paying attention or something like that. I especially hate talking to my relatives, because they make it awkward and talk too loud. But then I feel lonely when no one calls me. true.
14. I always look for the best escape route. Example: I had to leave a performance at school early, so I sat in the back on the auditorium, two seats into the row. A man sat down at the end and blocked my escape. As soon as he got up to use the restroom, I bolted, even though I still had half an hour left before I could leave. true.
15. I like to pretend I’m this cool scenester, who doesn’t give a shit what you think of me and is so above most of the population. I’m not, of course. true, ha this is sad.
16. I hate baggy clothes, which is so ironic. I wear skinny jeans obsessively, and will even sleep in them if need be. Though lately I have this fixation with skirts and black tights. true. though now it’s probably split evenly between my skirts, my dresses and my jeans.
17. I think I’m an atheist but I’m not sure. Yes, I experimented with Wicca. i’ve come to terms with my spirituality. i’m earthbound (my own label). but that’s for another time.
18. If I like something, I really like something. I leave songs on repeat for weeks, even months; I ate Apples and Cinnamon x Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal for breakfast and often lunch and dinner for a good 3 months, and did the same thing later with French Toast. When I liked BJDs, I visited the online stores daily and mooned over all the things I would buy. When I find a new person I like, I find out everything I can about them and literally, if you let me, I will not stop talking about them. I live and dream my obsessions; it’s pretty bad. true.true.
19. I’m afraid of dying, which is why you never have to worry about me committing suicide. Or rather, I wonder what would happen to everyone I leave if I died and how much they’d hate me for it. Or if they’d even miss me. true.
20. I hate when people tell me that I’m so skinny, and how lucky I am! I’m not that skinny damn it! true.
21. I absolutely love people with accents, except mexican, new york, or southern. And if I said half the things I think in my head, you’d probably think I was a racist bigot. true.
22. I’m a tad bit crazed about sex and drugs. I’d take up smoking just because I think it’s cool. true. yea, umm, i do smoke now. like on a regular basis.
23. I fell in love with a girl once, and I never told her because she hates gays. I’m not really gay though, I date boys. Sexuality is stupid; I think everyone is inclined to either sex- it just depends on what you like in people. Junk should not be examined. (ha) true.
24. I really wish there was something medically wrong with me that I could use as an excuse. true.
25. This took my forever to fill out because I couldn’t pick things to share. true.
**
there’s a second one from january! let’s see how much i changed…
1. the first time i smoked weed, i stopped caring about life. that’s why i did it. oh god…true.
2. my brain has melted, and i’m terrified people will think i’m one of those stupid, shallow girls that i know i sometimes am. true.
3. it’s rare for me to look in the mirror and love what i see, but i wait for those moments because my life depends on them. i’ve gotten so much better this year.
4. i don’t want to be a virgin anymore AT ALL. andddd i’m not.
5. last night i dreamed i was in a secret relationship with a girl. i was on top. this is not the first dream i’ve had like that. true.
6. there is a town inside of me i visit a lot. true. shakertown, i’ve named it. i could map it out perfectly.
7. since i’ve stopped eating meat, i’ve snuck a piece of pepperoni once or twice. i’m always filled so immensely with guilt that it’s not worth it. true. and mcdonalds when i’m about to kill myself.
8. i, personally, would love it if tumblr was a high school. but i would still be uncool. NO. see. fuck that.
9. i know i don’t love you anymore, at least not romantically, but every time i see you my heart skyrockets, and as much as i try, i can’t stop looking for you. i’m afraid i’ll never be completely over you. and you….you just seem to like to fuck with my head. or you’re an idiot. fucker.
10. but i don’t want a relationship, i just want a friend i can fuck. yea, well. see how well that worked for us.
11. sometimes i wish i could just drive and drive and drive for days, going nowhere true.
12. I’m a stalker to the max true.
13. I don’t have the willpower to be anorexic, thank god for my teenage metabolism. true.
14. I miss my mother every day and i love her but i don’t think she really loves me. my mother…i’m done with her.
15. i want to rip my skin off. i want to break my nose. i want to put holes in my fingers. i want to dye my eyes. i want to shave my head. i fucking hate myself. oh god, i forgot about january. thankfully i had my moment and moved on.
16. i almost ate the mushrooms in the backyard to try and get high like an idiot but i was worried they would be poisonous so i didn’t, and i was in a bad mood the rest of the day because i had nothing to smoke and i was craving it. wow, true.
17. i’ve taken to screaming. at everything. the other day i just snarled at this car and somehow i saw myself do it, and i scared the shit out of myself. that was a phase.
18. i spend too much time online. my eyes hurt. not anymore!
19. i love my indiana friends more than my north carolina friends; they’re just different, it’s less of a shallow love. i feel guilty. no. i love certain people more than others, but not as a whole.
20. i think i’m afraid to develop that film because it’s just one more thing i’ll fail at true.
21. sometimes i want to be the other woman in the relationship true. but i never could.
22. sometimes i think i have no soul ..
23. the SNAKES are constantly changing to best suit my conditions. fuck, sebby isn’t even ‘round anymore, and ethan is now matty. alice is platinum blonde, kurt is a pothead, noah is a junkie, emmie is a bitch, ethan/matty is a freeman, not a coen (new spelling) and has 2 brothers: morgan & cub, tory loves jona and vice versa and he has normal hair, darcy is nicer and is fucking alice, who is a lesbian. what. the. fuck. true. they adapted with me, they grew up. they’ve even changed a little bit since this, noah isn’t a junkie. and alice has a baby.
24. i will die alone, i’m convinced. the rum just made me say it. NEVER.
25. i am terrified to move out because i can’t do anything for myself. no. i learned, and i’m ready to get the fuck out.
